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Channel 4 Balls of Steel: Deaf TV with Miss Lee & Mark Nelson

Last Friday Mark Nelson appeared on Channel 4's Balls of Steel:

Don't watch it if you're easily offended!

A transcript appears in the extended entry of this post, with thanks to Claire from Team HaDo.

Deaf TV with Miss Lee

HOST – My next guest has made a habit of screwing celebrities, but not in a Jodie Marsh kind of way. It’s Olivia Lee


[Olivia and Mark enter]

HOST – Ok guys. Olivia, it’s great to have you on the show. You’ve brought company, what’s going on?

OLIVIA – Yeah, well I thought I’d try something new this week. I’ve been working on a show called Deaf TV. This is my co-star, Mark Nelson. Now, he interviews celebrities via the medium of sign language and I translate.

HOST – Ok, but I didn’t know you could read sign language, Olivia.

OLIVIA – No, I absolutely cannot. Mark just visually abuses the celebrities and I just make up questions so he doesn’t get rumbled.

HOST – Now that’s more like it! Let’s take a look.

[cut to Deaf TV with Miss Lee]

OLIVIA – Hello, welcome to Deaf TV. This is my new co-presenter, Mark.

MARK [signed and subtitled] – I’d like a blow job.

OLIVIA – No, I’ve told you, we haven’t got any ice-creams. Give it a rest already.

[ALICIA DOUVALL interview]

MARK [signed and subtitled] – You’ve done some acting recently. Tell me about the Guy Ritchie film you were in.

OLIVIA – You’ve done some acting recently. You did a film with Guy Ritchie – what was that about?

ALICIA – We’ll, I play a waitress that goes round nicking everything. Very close to real life. [laughs]

MARK [signed and subtitled] – Your pouty lips are making me hard. Would you suck me off?

OLIVIA – You’re originally from Horsham, so did you play your character quite tongue-in-cheek?

ALICIA – Yeah. It was quite funny.

MARK [signed and subtitled] – If we had sex, would your boobs flap about?

ALICIA – My boobs?

OLIVIA[repeats sign for BOOBS] – No, that’s modelling. It’s a complement.

MARK [signed and subtitled] – [standing up] – You and I should have sex.

ALICIA – Now that definitely looks rude!

OLIVIA – No, he’s asking do you like dancing; would you like to go dancing with him? Let’s go to a club together.

[PAUL DANAN interview]

MARK [signed and subtitled] – On “Celebrity Love Island” you came across as a total dickhead.

OLIVIA – You spent a lot of days on Love Island. Was that difficult – having to think off the top of your head?

PAUL – You don’t want to come across at all thick or anything when you’re constantly on camera, cos you never know what they’re gonna say, but it was surprising how silly some of the other people were really.

MARK [signed and subtitled] – Tell him again, because I don’t think he’s clear. Tell him I think he’s a huge wanker.

– He’s swearing at me, isn’t he?

MARK [signed and subtitled] – You’re the biggest penis I’ve ever met.

PAUL – What’s all that then? [repeats sign for SHAG]

OLIVIA[repeats sign for SHAG] – No, that means he’s a bit fan.

PAUL – Oh, ok. I thought he was doing some rude gestures.

OLIVIA – No. No. It’s not literal. It’s very visual, sign language.

PAUL – Yes, I know, but it was… I… Yeah.

[NIKKI GRAEME interview]

MARK [signed and subtitled] – I’d really like to lick you out.

OLIVIA – For the right amount of money, would you eat a scorpion?

NIKKI – Never. I’d never eat a scorpion.

MARK [signed and subtitled] – Would you suck me off?

OLIVIA – A lot of your tantrums seem quite tongue-in-cheek. Were they?

NIKKI – What do you mean, “tongue-in-cheek”?

MARK [signed and subtitled] [standing up] – Would you ride me? You and I should have sex.

OLIVIA – Do you like dancing? Cos you’d be quite good on one of those dance reality shows.

NIKKI – Yeah, I love dancing. I did all my ballet exams when I was little.

MARK [signed and subtitled] – We should definitely have sex. Intercourse.

OLIVIA – Do you like darts? Because you’d be quite good on a darts show. If you got a bulls eye. Something to do with throwing something.

NIKKI – Darts? Yeah, maybe.

MARK [signed and subtitled] – Sod this. I’m off for a wank. [storms off set]

OLIVIA – Sorry, he’s just… I think he’s got the shits.


HOST – Well, all I can say is that you two are a formidable, lethal double-act and no celebrity is safe, so really well done.

OLIVIA – Mark’s actually got a message for you. Mark, haven’t you?

HOST – Oh, ok.

MARK [signed and subtitled] – I think you’re really great.

HOST – Thanks. That seemed really nice. What did he say?

OLIVIA – He just called you a massive twat.

HOST – I might have guessed. Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia Lee and Mark Nelson.


Comments (3)

Fucking hilarious - I would love to do that to those lowlifes celebs.

What do you mean low life celebs? I just loved it for the 'fuck you" to hearies for a change!

Not nice, but tough!

Yes to hearies indeed and especially to these kind of people - the worst kind.

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